Author Archives: dorkwoman

I’ll Let You Be The Gudge Of That

05 Sunday Jan 2020

Posted by in TALES FROM THE DINING ROOM TABLE

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Me:  Can someone get this big a$$ jar out of here?

Scot:  Big a$$ jar that is a bag.

Katie and I:  What?

Scot:  Big A$$ Jar is B A G and that is bag.

Katie:  Jar starts with J.

Scot:  Right it starts with J.

Katie: So it cannot be B A G.  J cannot make the G sound.

Scot:  Yes it can.

Me:  No it can’t.  G can make the J sound, but J cannot make the G sound – it can make the H sound though.

Scot:  Yes it can.  What about Judge, what does judge start with?

Katie and I:  J

Scot:  Right, it’s got a D in it and J can make the G sound.

Katie and I:  NO IT CAN’T!

Scot: Jiggle starts with G.

Katie:  No, but giggle does, jiggle starts with J.

Me:  And you were saying J makes the G sound and spelling jiggle with a G would only prove that G makes the J sound not vice versa.

Katie (mocking Scot):  I learned to spell with Hooked on Phonics!  Is this Overheard worthy?

Me:  Definitely, come help me with this.

Scot:  I hope you both screw it up.

Scot:  Brings a whole new meaning to the jiggly room.

Katie:  That makes no sense.  Is there a reference I am not getting?

Scot:  It is funny the giggly room sounds like a comedy club, but the jiggly room sounds like a strip club.

Katie:  The giggly room would be a dumb name for a comedy club.

Scot:  You guys suck!

Me:  We may suck, but at least we can spell.

Me:  There is nowhere in the English language where a J sounds like a hard G.

Scot:  Okay.  I always thought they were interchangeable.

 

 

 

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The Imperials March On

30 Wednesday Oct 2019

Posted by in DRIVING ME CRAZY, WELCOME TO PLANET KATIE: POPULATION 1

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Katie and I were heading to the store.

Katie:  Maybe I should have worn more layers.

Me:  Yeah, it is cold.  The car says it is 40, but it feels more like 32.

Katie (Checking the weather on her phone):  This says it feels like 31 so you are close.

Me:  I knew it felt like it was freezing out there.

Katie:  In Celsius it is 4 degrees, but feels like -1.

Me:  I don’t think in Celsius, but it does feel like it is -1.

Katie:  I had to get used to using Celsius when I was telling people from other countries what the temperature was, so I am used to it.  I think our generation will be the one that changes us over to the metric system.

Me:  I don’t think that will happen, we were told the same thing when we were young.

Katie:  Yeah, but we were taught the metric system in school.

Me:  So were we.

Katie:  Well, in science class, we only used the metric system, so we were more immersed in it.

Me:  That is the same for us.  We used only the metric system in science as well.

Katie:  I thought the Challenger blowing up was much later.

Me:  What does that have to do with anything?

Katie:  They forgot to convert something into metric and that caused it to blow up.

Me:  It was an O-ring that caused the shuttle to blow up.  That is like a rubber washer and that happened when I was in school.

Katie (looking on her phone):  Oh it was the Mars Climate Orbiter in 1999.  My teacher told us that because of this, they started using metric in science classes.

Me:  Well, she was mistaken. We were taught the metric system and they also taught us Roman numerals.

Katie:  They spent maybe 10 minutes teaching us about Roman numerals and my band director went off on that when we did not know when a piece of music was written, because we could not decipher the date.

 

 

 

Game Of Thrones

22 Monday Jan 2018

Posted by in WELCOME TO PLANET KATIE: POPULATION 1

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Me:  Katie, come sit on the toilet.

Katie: Why?

Me:  You just need to sit on the new toilet.

Joey:  Why do they want you to sit on the toilet?

Katie:  Because they are being stupid.  (Katie sits)  This is too tall, I hate it.

Joey:  (Tries out toilet)  This is tall.

Scot:  It is a man size toilet.

Katie:  Your feet are not supposed to dangle.

Joey:  Dangling feet is a good thing.

Katie:  Not when you’re pooping.  Or playing a wind instrument.

Scot:  Why would you play your trumpet while sitting on the toilet?

Katie:  I don’t, all of the chairs in the band room are too tall.  All chairs outside of elementary schools are too tall.

 

 

There’s Gold In Them There Parts

01 Friday Dec 2017

Posted by in DRIVING ME CRAZY, WELCOME TO PLANET KATIE: POPULATION 1

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(A Kohl’s commercial came on the radio)

Katie:  Did they just say, “Women’s underwear for only $37.50?”

Me:  I wasn’t paying attention.

Katie:  $37.50?  For some underwear?  That must be some really fancy underwear.  I would not pay that.

Me:  Maybe if they were lined with gold.

Katie:  For that price they’d better be seamless – and give me wifi.

 

 

The Bigger The Telly, The Better The Man

04 Monday Sep 2017

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Scot:  See how big his thing is?

Katie:  Yes

Scot:  Having a bigger thing means you have higher social status.  The lower status men don’t have a big thing, they have small ones.

Katie:  Do they choose to have bigger things?

Scot:  Well, the worker bees don’t have time to have a big thing, they just have little things.

Me:  What is this thing you are talking about?

Scot:  Actually he has six things.

Me:  You guys are weirdos.

(Katie and Scot talking about the Centauris from Babylon 5)

I Need To Get Away From It All

03 Friday Feb 2017

Posted by in WELCOME TO PLANET KATIE: POPULATION 1

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Katie:  Guess what song is stuck in my head.

Me:  (singing) Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take you to Bermuda, Bahama…

Katie: NO!  The theme to Steins;gate.

Me: Okay

Katie:  I like how Japanese rock songs use chromatic mediants to modulate.

Scot:  I have no idea what you are talking about.

Me:  Me neither, you are using music geek speak again.

Katie: It’s in the theme to… to… to… to…

Scot:  Steins;gate?

Katie:  NO!  No Game No Life, but that too.

Scot:  Now I am really lost.

Me:  You are welcome for the new song stuck in your head.

Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Plastic Surgery!

15 Saturday Oct 2016

Posted by in THE WORLD ACCORDING TO SAM

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Sam:  Dad, if our founding fathers came back to life, do you think they would get plastic surgery?

Scot:  I don’t know.  Why would they want to?

Sam:  Because they would all be decayed looking.

Scot:  Well then it would make sense that they would want plastic surgery.

Sam:  Do you think that they would get crowns on their teeth too?

Me:  Of course, because their wooden teeth would have rotted away by now.

Sam:  Exactly.

He’s A Bodacious Babe!

24 Sunday Jan 2016

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Scot:  The ice cream is hard as a rock.

Me:  It is always like that when you put it in the big freezer.

Scot:  Well, there was no room in the little one.  Hey Joey, maybe you can take over for a bit.  You are a buxom young man.

Me:  I don’t think that means what you think it means.

Scot:  What, buxom?  Is that not a real word?

Me:  I am not sure if it is a real word or slang, but look it up.  I think it means big boobs.

Scot:  (checks google)  Yeah, that doesn’t describe Joey at all.  I had no idea it meant that.

Me:  Obviously.